Tackling Bullying

What Your Child Can Do About Suppression

If you haven’t already grabbed your backpack and headed for the mountains, you must be wondering how to cope with the problem of suppression.

Identifying Symptoms Of Suppression

The first step is to observe that kids do rollercoaster emotionally, they do experience frequent unexplained illness, they do make senseless blunders, and they do suffer occasions when they lose their ability to smile or joke.

Sometimes you will discover a whole pocket of suppressed kids—an entire family, department, classroom or organization.  In the middle of the chaos, of course, you will find a bully.

Locate The Bully

Study the traits of the Antisocial Personality until you can recognize them in all their variations.  If you notice one or more suppressive characteristics in an individual, look for others.

Once you have unmistakably identified the bully, a quick solution may come to mind.  Unfortunately, it’s illegal, and you would get arrested.  It is better if the bullied child should build up one of the bully’s minions to the position where they can fight back against the bully as a new ally.

Taking Action

There are three major solutions to suppression:

1. See the bully as little as possible.

2. Make the bully stop suppressing.
3. Become invulnerable to suppression.

Which alternative we select and how we implement it depends on the depth of your child’s relationship with the Antisocial Personality or bully and what we want to accomplish.  In dealing with any specific bully, we must first answer this question: What end result do I want?

Observe

The lightest, easiest treatment of an Antisocial Personality consists of merely having the child recognizing what the bully is doing as he does it.  This is mental awareness, and is usually effective only when the relationship is superficial.

SCENE: Carl complains about an older sister who continually demands that Carl visit her.  Carl puts off these visits until conscience forced him to go.  “She’s a miserable old biddy", Carl says.  "It always takes me a few days to recover from a visit up there.  I really dread seeing her.  I don’t know why”.

What should our child Carl do?  It depends on what you want to accomplish.  As a suggestion, you could probably have Carl say, “You know, don’t think I’ll have to do anything.  Just knowing what to expect seems to clear up things for me.  Just knowing that she’s doing it is enough.  I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me!  I don’t think she’ll bother me any more”.

The bully is expert at making kids feel that they are at fault if they get upset by his oppressiveness.  He is skilled at camouflage and prefers that they question their own sanity instead of his.  When we understand the bully’s game in advance, we identify him as Suppressive and cease to condemn ourselves for non-existent child deficiencies.  So, sometimes simply understanding suppression is enough.

Temporary Relief

Rollercoastering, as I’ve mentioned before, often causes sleeplessness, which is a result of emotional and mental exhaustion.

If your child suffers only occasional suppression (coinciding with a rare visit from dear old Grandma Clobber), they may find immediate relief in exercise.  Bicycle, run, play tennis, dance, swim.  Have the ally have the child engage in some activity that will exhaust them physically.

Change The Basis Of Association

Sometimes the bully so overwhelms your kids that the only effective solution is to see the person as little as possible.

If they are repeatedly victimized and upset by a bully—if they are convinced they cannot fight back—it’s best to arrange their lives so that they decide to have few, if any, dealings with them.

In some circumstances, this treatment is no problem.  In your own life you would avoid these people most of the time.  You don’t go to their homes, nor do you invite them to yours.  In fact, now that you know better, you wouldn’t form friendships or do business with suppressive people in the first place.

Sometimes, however, staying away from a bully is not so easy for the hero or child, because there must be a union of opposites.  The hero might be economically dependent on a boss who could jeopardize future employment by damaging their reputation.  They may be strongly attached to the person emotionally and worry about hurting him or her.  Often we feel guilty about our past acts against a person, and these feelings loom up to haunt and paralyze us when we try to turn away.  Your kids should be no different.

Combating a bully is never an easy job… for the child or anyone.  If it were, they wouldn’t be overwhelmed by the bully in the first place (and our stories would be pretty thin).

When your kids are connected to a bully, each line of connection, whether it is emotional, financial, familial, educational, or social, is an avenue of vulnerability.  They can be hurt in each of these areas of connection—hurt badly enough to cause them to rollercoaster.  It is up to us as writers to figure out ways to change those connections where possible, so the bully has less hold on the hero.

Simply altering a few circumstances may relieve a great deal of suppression in a child’s life.  This could entail choosing new lunch companions or inviting a different group of kids for play on Saturday.  Alter your child’s patterns or routines to exclude the Antisocial Personality as much as possible.  If your child must deal with him or her occasionally in the classroom or local pizza place, you can keep their contacts brief.

SCENE: George rollercoastered continually.  He was often ill with severe colds and annoying allergies, He worried greatly about his business.  After a long talk one day, his friend Hank learned that his business partner was the source of most of his concern.  The partner was obviously a bully, and George had discovered recently that he was cleverly stealing money from their mutual account.

“Do you have to stay with him?”  Hank asked.

“Oh, yes, I have to.  We’ve spent eight years building up our business.  It would be suicide to leave it now.  And I can’t afford to buy him out”.

“Is there some way you can have less to do with him?”

After a few minutes of thought, George brightened up and smiled.  “Yes, there is”.

It seemed that their business was divided into two distinct categories: George dealt in industrial insurance and his partner handled only personal insurance.

Since they were currently constructing a new office, George realized that the building could be separated into two distinct office spaces, sharing only a common hallway.

He arranged for accountants to go through the books and set up two individual business structures.

When I talked to George a few months later, he was highly pleased with the arrangement.

“You can’t imagine the change this has made in my life.  I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off of me.  I go for weeks without even seeing him.  Sometimes I talk to him on the phone.  But now that he’s no longer hooked to me financially, I find that he’s just not suppressive to me”.

Challenging The bully

As long as your kids do not fight back, they’re fair game to the bully or an antisocial child; he will continue to bore in and make life miserable for your child.  On the other hand, if the child lets the bully know that they no longer intend to be intimidated—that they will fight back—the bully generally retreats.

Several years ago, after giving a talk in Los Angeles on creating characters, I met a young man, let’s call him Jerry, who told me he was going to hairdresser’s school at night while at film school.  He liked this work, he said, but one of the other male students continually made personal remarks and overtures to him.  Jerry wasn’t interested and told him so.  He continued to torment Jerry, however, and when rebuffed he made sly, cutting remarks about him to the other students.  These attacks so disturbed him that he considered quitting the school.  “This guy’s driving me crazy.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m getting so I hate to go to class in the morning.  Can you suggest something?”

“Yes”, I said.  “Don’t suppress your emotions.  Let him know exactly how you feel.  It’s what your hero would do at about the second revelation just before the Battle”.

“That’s great!  I’ve been holding back all the anger I feel towards the guy.  I thought it wasn’t right to get mad at him because he’s gay.  Thanks a lot”.

It wasn’t until a year later, during another visit to Los Angeles, that I talked to Jerry again.  He reminded me of our earlier conversation.  I asked, “How did that situation turn out?”

“You told me not to hold back my emotions.  So I took your advice.  The very next day this guy said something to me.  I grabbed him by the shirtfront and threatened to beat the daylights out of him.  I told him that if he ever pulled any of that stuff again or said anything about me I would put him in the hospital”.

Jerry laughed and continued.  “I just wanted to thank you.  I found out later that a lot of the other students there were plagued by him.  They despised him, but no one knew what to do.  They were grateful to me for curbing the guy’s suppressiveness!  He was no problem to anyone after that.  In fact, after a while he left.  And to think—I almost quit!  I never realized that what we give our good-guy kids to do can also be done in real life.”

The counter-attack needn’t be that heavy-handed.

While giving talks and seminars, and even while posting on Twitter, I frequently encounter Chaos Merchants in my audiences.  They ask sly questions meant to invalidate me or the subject.

I deal with the attack in a throwaway manner, returning with a bit of humorous ridicule, which makes the audience or my followers laugh.

Once, in the course of conducting a weekend workshop, John Truby was giving the correct answers to a quiz when a man in the front row challenged one of his answers.  “No,” he said flatly.  “I see that answer as...”

He was telling John rather than asking him.

Since this was the fourth time he had interrupted with suppressive comments, John replied, “Oh?  I guess I’ll have to chalk you up as my first one hundred percent failure”.  Everyone laughed.  Being laughed at is even more intolerable to a bully or antisocial person than to most of us.  He shut up immediately.

John didn’t direct a heavy attack on the bully under such circumstances, as this would be upsetting to the rest of the audience—and thereby the guy would have achieved his disruptive purpose.

Name What He Does

To minimize the effect of a bully, it helps for the child to identify each act of suppression as soon as it occurs.  When he speaks in generalities, the bully should be asked, “Who said that exactly? “  If he tries to discourage your child in some way, they should identify his tack as such, and refuse to accept it.  Label exactly what he is doing.  Most of the time the bully will retreat if his specific actions are immediately named.  He has been found out.

In a discussion group I once belonged to, we had always enjoyed lively, constructive talks until a bully began attending the meetings.  The convivial spirit of our group soon dissipated.  Driving to the meeting one night, my riding companion and I discussed the problem.  We decided we wouldn’t let the bully get away with his game any longer.  Tonight we would attack every suppressive communication.

The Suppressive spent a frantic evening.  We challenged his generalities and demanded specifics.  We caught his altered communication and corrected him.  We indicated wrong targets when he mentioned them.  We interrupted his critical comments and talked him down.  To my surprise, our fellow members joined in as if we were of one mind.  I later learned that several other individuals in our group had also decided to squelch the bully that evening.  Incidentally, he never returned.

The Retreat

Sometimes a strategic retreat will serve the hero’s purpose better than an attack.

SCENE: Linda arrived for a luncheon date with a friend, looking frustrated.  “Oh, that boss of mine…”, she sighed as she sat down.

Linda was moving to another city where she had lined up a new job.  She had planned to give notice on her present job as soon as she worked out all the arrangements.  To Linda’s embarrassment, however, her future employer called her present employer for a reference.

Her current boss was furious (a nearly chronic state anyway); he accused her of deception, ingratitude, inconsideration and betrayal.  She tried to explain the circumstances, but he refused to listen.

“I’m supposed to see him again this afternoon”, she said.  “What should I do?  He won’t even listen!”

“What is it you want to accomplish?  Do you expect to change his mind or simply want him off your back?”

After a thoughtful moment, she answered, “I know he won’t change his mind.  He’s never changed his mind about anything since I’ve worked for him.  I guess I’d like to get him off my back”.

“OK.  Then make him right”, her friend suggested.

“How?”

“Tell him you’re sorry.  Tell him you really thoughtless and inconsiderate and selfish.  You’re not changing your plans, mind you.  He won’t expect you to.  Just agree with him.  If this doesn’t mollify him, there’s one last thing you can do”.

“What’s that?”

“Look at him and ask, ‘What can I do to make it right?’  He’ll probably say, ‘Nothing’, but that should stop his attack”.

Later Linda called her friend.  “It worked out exactly as you said it would.  In fact, after I asked him what I could do to make it right, he did say ‘Nothing, ‘and he stopped criticizing me.  He was actually decent the rest of the afternoon”.

I don’t advocate that you make a doormat out of yourself—but you may find times when a shrewd retreat offers an immediate solution.

The Mock Surrender

Here’s a variation that can be fun.  Determine the covert intention behind the words the bully is saying, and have the child name it in the form of a mocking surrender.

SCENE: Frank was enthusiastically describing a new project of his to Kirk when he interrupted, “But that’s going to take years!”

“You’re right", Frank replied instantly.  “I’ll give it up”.

“No, no.  I didn’t mean that.  Don’t get me wrong.  I just...”  He quickly backed off.  That was the end of his attempts to discourage Frank.

Discipline

Sometimes simply establishing a strong discipline in your child's environment will be enough to control suppressive activities.  “Tell Mary Squelch from next door that she is no longer welcome in your house unless she can stop criticizing your children”.

If you discover dishonest behavior in their office—padded expense accounts, brazen goofing off, too many coffee breaks, extended lunch hours, pilfering of supplies and equipment—issue firm corrective policy; demand stronger discipline.  You will find that decent people straighten themselves out immediately. This can also apply to schools.

The bully will grouch loudly, complain about the discipline, and probably leave.

Becoming Invulnerable To Suppression

Although your child may have been crushed and thwarted by suppression, you can recover his self-determinism.  You can erase those sensitive areas that make him vulnerable.  He can strengthen himself and cease to be the helpless effect of the bully.

It’s an over-simplification to regard the bully as the big, bad ogre and your chil as totally innocent, lily-white victims.  We each have played our own part in bringing suppression down upon ourselves.

Summary

1. See Less Of The bully.  This is the quickest solution—and immediately effective.  My own inclination is to have the character your hero is helping have as little to do with the bully as possible.  Who needs them?

2. Stop The Bully.  By fighting back, your child is letting the antisocial guy know that he won’t be intimidated.  There are several ways to do this:

Spotlight the suppression.  Demand that he gives specifics instead of generalities.  Correct his wrong-targeting.  Identify and verbally indicate all instances of warped communication.  Stop him from passing on bad news.  Do not permit him to interrupt your child’s actions.

Discipline.  When your child’s relationship makes it possible, set down strong rules and policies that will control the bully and nullify his harmful effects.

Confrontation.  Have the child face up to the Antisocial Personality and tell him he doesn’t intend to let the guy suppress him.  Ridicule him where advisable.  Take him to court if necessary.

Exposure.  Have the child discover exactly what the bully is doing and expose his actions to fellow students, family members, teachers and/or legal authorities.

3. Make Yourself Invulnerable.  This is the ultimate guarantee of personal serenity.

End any dependency.  Allow the bully’s allies to become independent of the bully and this will automatically eliminate most of the hold he has on them.

Get emotional and physical support from Allies.  Talking it out with allies while gathering their team ready for Battle can help most kids become immune to suppression by eliminating the raw nerves that the bully can probe.

These are not all the solutions you can use against the bully and other assholes in your scripts or in your or your child's lives, by any means; they’re offered only as a guide.  You will find others; perhaps better ones that will help restore your child’s peace of mind.

Not every human ill can be explained in terms of suppression.  There are other causes, other answers.  But if you find a bully in your real life, you do something about the situation.

Your sanity—your life—may depend on it.

Suppression is not a pleasant subject.  It’s a dark, ugly, side of living.  But understanding suppression and knowing how to conquer it can bring us, your child and your hero out into the sunshine again.

Good luck!